Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Hopes, Dreams, and Nightmares

So I haven't posted in nearly five months, but tonight I was lying awake in bed and I realized that I needed to write down what was happening and what I was thinking if I were to get any sleep. (Also, I had to get up and pee since I'm 16 weeks pregnant now.)

Isaiah, Michael and I have had such fun these past few weeks - even more fun than our normal weeks, which aren't half bad either. We have gone to an apple orchard, visited with friends every weekend, and just yesterday we raked up a giant pile of leaves in our backyard and jumped in them. Okay, Isaiah jumped in them and Michael and I took pictures. Isaiah is repeating everything I say, which makes me glad I don't swear, since my phrases have come out of his little mouth at rather interesting times. Today after Isaiah woke up from his nap, I wanted him to come downstairs with me so I could fold laundry while we played. He was pretty cooperative and happy to come down as long as he could bring his cow flashlight, which happens to be a favorite toy of the moment. Once he got to the top step, though, he decided that was a fine enough place to play with the cow and he didn't need to come down any more steps. So, as a means of persuading him, I took the cow and hopped him down four of five steps so that Isaiah would follow. To my surprise, though, instead of going after that cow, Isaiah just looked at me and emphatically said "No touch." This is the phrase Michael and I use for things like stove knobs, hot irons, and delicate electronics. I guess he really understands the meaning. Since he almost always complies when we tell him an item is a 'no touch' I figured I should show him the same respect and kept my hands off. Another thing he loves to repeat is "YES!" He even does the little arm movement - like a 'kaching' sort of fist into the air. He will run from room to room shouting "Yes!" for no particular reason. He also says it when he gets a snack he really likes and when he poops on the potty.

We've been practicing saying "trick-or-treat" for Halloween tomorrow. Isaiah will be going as a lion, so he already has the sound effects down. I figured since he likes to repeat me "trick-or-treat" would also catch on pretty well. However, when he knocks on a door, he prefers to ask if anyone is home, so that's probably what will end up happening. If I do get him to repeat after me he usually just says "Treat treat!" I guess he doesn't want to leave the option open for something other than a treat to go into his bag. It makes sense when you think about it.

With all the extra fun happening and the daily doses of joy Isaiah is giving me, I often end the day thinking that life is pretty close to perfect right now. I love that I am able to spend so much time with Isaiah, and he has gotten very good at playing by himself when I need to do chores. He usually prefers to help me with them if he can. His idea of help is pretty adorable, but it's slightly less helpful than one might imagine. He's particularly good at unfolding clothing and hiding socks, but he also likes to cook. It's fine as long as he doesn't get his hands on any real ingredients. He usually makes soup, which he and I will taste test for seemingly hours until he knows he has it just right. He brings the bowl to me and holds it up for me to slurp, "Mmmm" I say and hand it back for him to slurp. This goes on until he has shaken enough salt (a wooden block) into the bowl and then tastes it and nods, "Mmm hmm."

I'm worried that I will miss out on these things when our new baby comes along. I vividly remember sitting with Isaiah in the rocker when he was only a week old. I was nursing him again before I had even buttoned up my shirt from the previous nursing and thinking that it would be nearly impossible to do this with a toddler running around needing my attention. Now that I am months away from that reality, my opinion hasn't changed much. I honestly don't know how I will do it. I understand that Isaiah will simply have to share me more than he does now, but I don't really want that any more than he does. I love to give him all my attention - to play with him all morning until we snuggle together for his nap. I also want to be able to drink in my new little baby the way I could when Isaiah was born. I would hold him for hours and just watch him as he slept and breathed so sweetly in my arms. But how will I do that with this baby? I'm worried I will break Isaiah's little heart when he sees me holding his little brother or sister and not being able to hold him too. I'm also worried it will break my heart.

I honestly am so, so excited for this baby to come, but I feel like the Grinch right now - my heart needs to grow a couple sizes in order for this to work. I remember that it had to do the same thing when Isaiah was born and I discovered that to love Isaiah fully, I didn't need to love Michael any less. I just hope and pray there is more growing room for my heart. My prayers for Isaiah are that he will have patience and understanding with this baby and with me as I learn. Truthfully, I'm slightly terrified, but I know that I will probably stumble through it, just as I have with Isaiah.